Late Chalcolithic Europe (3000 B.C.) was home to many cultures, many of those which are completely extinct today, existing only in archeological remnants.
Naturally, this means that spinning them out into something resembling playable is difficult. Historical rulers are completely out of the question, as are historical names, and nations.
Nonetheless, I must try.
Grooved Ware
So, first up, the Grooved Ware people, who lived in the British Isles from 4000 BC, well before the earliest start date, up until 2800 BC, when they were replaced by the Bell-Beaker people (damn immigrants, coming into our country and ruining our pottery).
Absolutely no remnants of the "grooved ware language", even hypothetical, exist, nor did the language probably. Archaeological cultures, actual cultures, and languages, are all totally different things. It would require a royal heaping of bullshit to try to equate them.
I am the emperor of bullshit, of course. And consequently, I'm going to go out and say that there was a single grooved ware language (that all the cavemen spoke), and that, because it is in the same place that the Celtic languages were spoken (Brittany, Iberia, and Gaul aren't real), it sounded kind of like Celtic but with syllables rearranged and randomly combined with no regard for linguistics. Maybe there's some kind of reverse Sapir-Whorf going on where the environment shapes the language so all people in the British Isles are Celts.
Yes, the one Celtic language. Weep before me, futile linguists. Your "sanity" means nothing!
So, to create this language, I get a bunch of Celtic names and Markov chain them up. I impress even myself sometimes with this genius.
Anyway, moving on.
Bell-Beaker
Everyone's (or at least my) favourite Chalcolithic culture, even though I know basically nothing about them. These guys lived in northern Europe, Iberia, and Italy, from 2,800 BC to 1,800 BC and made... beakers, I guess? After 1,800 BC, they were dissolved by an incipient Bronze Age, which I'm assuming is some kind of elder god from the furthest void.
Anyway, my Google search for "Bell-Beaker language" shown this one guy who said that they might have been proto-Celtic (or pre-Celtic; who knows, I don't read), so I'm also going to Markov up some Celtic names. If any Bell-Beaker time travellers decided to write down their Bell-beaker words, tell me.
Globular Amphora
These were some shitty group that lived in the place where the Corded Ware culture lived. I don't know what they are, what they did, or how they lived, but I hate them already. They lived from 3,400 BC to 2,800 BC.
I'm basically just going to copy and paste the Corded Ware culture for these guys, with some Markoving up to make it more creatyve. Moving on.
Corded Ware
These guys are way better than the Globular Amphora culture. They lived 2,900 BC to 2,350 BC. They were also called the battle-axe culture, because they're that cool.
Ohman (the Waterbien gender, not the exclamation).
These guys were suggested as the Urheimat of the proto-Indo-Europeans.
I'm going to do absolutely no further research on this, and have them all speak proto-Indo-European, maybe with a little Markovian butchering to make sure that the Black Sea nationalists aren't offended.
Comb Ceramic
These guys are gonna speak heavily butchered proto-Uralic or something because they lived there.
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Anyway, running out of stuff to bullshit about here. Maybe I'll do a separate blog post on government types, or perhaps the non-prehistoric cultures of the Chalcolithic age world.
